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Having a close friend or family member who has an unhealthy relationship with alcohol is never easy. You want to help, but how? Will confronting them make them feel ashamed, angry, or alienated? Will they stop talking to you? How will you know what to say? At the same time, you might feel concerned about their health, so you worry that saying nothing could hurt them even more.
You can help a loved one with an alcohol problem, and you can do it in a healthy way that honors your boundaries (and theirs). At Serenity Lane, we want you to know that worrying about your loved one’s drinking is normal; it means that you care. Your loved one needs that. Let’s talk about some ways that you can help.
It may seem selfish if you’re not used to putting yourself first, but in this case, it’s an absolute necessity. You can’t help someone who’s managing an addiction if you yourself are stressed or unbalanced. If you’re not feeling emotionally regulated, you’re going to react to your loved one in ways that might not go over so well.
Mary Dyer, a writer who has worked in the field of addiction treatment and recovery for over 20 years, believes that one of the best ways to care for yourself is by confiding in someone close to you. Watching someone manage addiction isn’t easy and it takes its toll. By sharing these intense feelings and thoughts with people you trust, you’re lightening your burden. “Talk to other friends and family who care about the person. Sometimes, it helps to talk to others who share your concerns. Be careful not to gossip or divulge private information,” she writes.
Timing is everything when you’re talking to someone you love about anything important. If someone is in the middle of something, if they’re sick, or if they’re not in a safe space (mentally or physically), it could make them unresponsive to your concerns. What’s worse is that bad timing could make them defensive about their alcohol use. If it’s something you bring up when you’re angry or emotional, they’ll react to that.
“Schedule a time to talk to your loved one about their drinking problem,” Mary advises. Choose a quiet, private location where you won’t be interrupted. Be sure the person is sober. If they are under the influence, they are likely to become unreasonable, angry, and defensive.
Does your loved one have a favorite restaurant or hiking spot? Is there a place in your city that’s special to them? Is there a time of day when they’re most alert and likely to listen? Take these things into consideration when planning your decision.
Speaking with someone you love about their alcohol use can feel like a delicate act. What if you say something that makes them defensive? What if they argue or tell you you’re wrong? What if they attack your character? What if they never want to talk to you again?
Here’s the thing: you can’t control their reaction to your feelings. All you can do is be honest and open with them about what’s going on. They may not appreciate it at the time, but they’ll likely appreciate it later. Here are some helpful things you can say when it’s time to have that conversation:
“Explain why you are concerned. Be direct and calm, but don’t preach, lecture, beg, nag, or coerce. Be careful to discuss the behavior – not the person. Be honest and tell your loved one how his drinking is affecting you. Stay focused and don’t allow yourself to be hooked into anger or guilt.” Mary writes. “Don’t cover up for your friend or loved one and don’t make excuses for his behavior. Allow him to experience the shame, embarrassment, regret, and other negative consequences of his drinking. Remember that his behavior is his responsibility, not yours. Removing the consequences diminishes how the drinking is interfering with his life and removes the primary reasons for change.”
Honesty is important during this process. Bringing up your concerns isn’t going to cause their shame – it is likely already there. They need to experience that shame in order to make the changes needed to heal. The side effects of alcoholism could also cause heightened emotions in your loved one. If they lash out defensively, remember that you can’t control them, but you can control your reaction.
Being honest with your loved one is important, but so is being honest with yourself. How much energy do you have to devote to this? Learning your levels of comfortability is going to allow you to help your loved one. If you give and give without paying attention to your needs, you’ll burn out. “Look out for yourself,” Mary writes. “Decide how much time and energy you are willing to invest, and then set boundaries to avoid becoming exhausted, overwhelmed, or resentful. Tell your loved one why you aren’t spending time with them, especially when they are under the influence.”
Did you know there are support groups for loved ones of alcoholics? The most popular one is Al-Anon, and it’s a place where you can go to vent, get advice, find camaraderie, and receive some desperately-needed support. Connection with others who are experiencing something similar can boost your mood and your strength so you can better help your loved one.
One thing you’ll hear in groups like Al-Anon is that you cannot force anyone to stop drinking. You can’t change their behaviors. You can’t tell them what to do or control their next moves. Recognizing this is freeing because it unloads some of the burdens you might be placing on yourself. Yes, your support is invaluable and will give them the support they need to recover – if that’s what they decide to do. But at the end of the day, only they can make healthy changes. They are the ones that will choose the path to their future – not you. Unload that burden and find the support you need to keep yourself mentally healthy.
When your loved one is ready to seek treatment, you can help them do their research. “Be prepared,” Mary writes. “Do your homework ahead of time and research available resources such as inpatient alcohol treatment, residential rehabilitation, support groups, and counseling services. Encourage your friend to seek professional help. Offer to accompany them to their first appointment.”
There are many options available to those that are seeking recovery from alcohol use disorder. Some people avoid seeking treatment because they believe they’ll need to stay somewhere (like a rehab) for extended periods. But there are now options that allow people to receive treatment for their addiction while continuing to work or care for their families. Facilities like Serenity Lane work with patients to find a treatment plan that works for their schedules, their unique needs, and their goals.
Finding the root cause of someone’s addiction is just as important as treating their addiction. High-quality treatment addresses both mental and physical health. When someone is mentally healthy, they’re far more likely to succeed in long-term recovery.
Your role as the friend or family member of someone who needs help is vital to their success. Those who have strong support networks also have better chances of meeting their goals in recovery. But remember that you cannot recover for your loved one, you can only support them in making healthier choices. Don’t lose yourself in trying to fix someone you love – set healthy boundaries, take care of yourself, and show your support. These are the most helpful things you can do.
The master’s level clinicians and therapists at Serenity Lane dedicate their lives to offering evidence-based, compassionate, and comprehensive addiction treatment because we know anyone can recover. We don’t want your loved one to face alcohol use disorder alone – we want to help.
There are a variety of options available at Serenity Lane. Each client is unique, so each treatment plan is unique.
We are proud to offer a full continuum of care, from alcohol detox to specialty programming, for addiction treatment:
Serenity Lane is the oldest non-profit program in the state of Oregon with over 50 years of experience. We specialize in individualized, effective, and innovative solutions for recovery. If you or someone you love is ready for alcohol addiction treatment, call us today at 800-543-9905. We offer no-cost, confidential screenings at all of our locations.
What to say to someone with Alcoholism?
You can say things like “I love you and I look forward to our future together”, “I support you in getting healthy”, “I’m concerned about your drinking because”, and “how can I help?”
What If They Don’t Want My Help?
You can’t control their reaction to your feelings. All you can do is be honest and open with them about what’s going on. They may not appreciate it at the time, but they’ll likely appreciate it later.
Is it a good idea to have others intervene when helping a loved one with alcohol use disorder?
You can ask your loved one to attend counseling or meetings, but you can’t force them to do anything.
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